Conflict Resolution (Conciliation)

Christian conciliation is a process for reconciling people and resolving disputes out of court in a biblical manner. The process is conciliatory rather than adversarial in nature–that is, it encourages honest communication and reasonable cooperation rather than unnecessary contention and advocacy.

Christian conciliation may involve three steps.

Initially, one or both parties may receive individual counseling/coaching on how to resolve a dispute personally and privately using biblical principles. If private efforts are unsuccessful, the parties may submit their dispute for mediation, a process in which one or more mediators meet with them to promote constructive dialogue and encourage a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, if mediation is unsuccessful, the parties may proceed to arbitration, which means that one or more arbitrators will hear their case and render a legally binding decision. The term “conciliator” is used to describe someone who is serving either as a neutral third party conflict coach, mediator, or arbitrator.

When you combine Christian conciliation with a collaborative law approach to marital disputes, each party must have a lawyer. The parties agree to hire two third-party neutral professionals.

First, the parties agree on a neutral psychological professional to help them resolve any issues concerning the children.

Second, the parties agree on a neutral financial professional to help them resolve any issues concerning how to divide the marital estate, what income is under the law for purposes of settling child support and alimony issues, and any other financial matters about which the parties cannot agree.

Under a collaborative law agreement, the parties and their attorneys agree in advance that if they cannot settle all issues with the help of their lawyers and the neutral professionals, then the lawyers cannot represent them in any subsequent litigation. The prospect of having to start over with, and pay legal fees for, lawyers for litigation hopefully will deter unnecessary litigation and increase the prospects of successful settlement.

If no minor children are involved, then the parties operating under a collaborative law agreement select a neutral financial professional and work toward settlement under the same construct.

The difference for Christians involved in collaboration is that they agree to conciliate throughout the process. This means they agree to pursue peace with each other so far as it depends on them. Pastors and their counselors agree to encourage and hold them accountable to pursuing peace, including forgiveness, with each other. This involves a biblical process of repentance and faith implemented through confession, accountability to the leadership of the church, restitution if appropriate, and so forth. This promotes healing and peace in the family, church, and community. And it is the best means for Christians and their churches and counselors to “hallow” God’s name – that is to honor and glorify God – in the process of resolving the conflict. This can limit and can even eliminate actions or words by which believers going through marital and family conflict unwittingly take God’s name in vain, defame God, and give reasons for unbelievers, society, culture, and the world to blaspheme God’s holy name.

At all times, even if marital reconciliation does not take place, I always work hard to help facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation at the level of the eternal “child-of-God” identity of those who profess faith in Christ, an identity that is already but not yet complete as siblings in Christ. Christian husbands and wives, along with their children, who are going through the pain of marital and family dissolution, often forget this eternal dimension of their relationships. Ephesians 5:1 teaches us that those who are in Christ are dearly loved children of God. They often do not realize that their marriages and families on this earth will end, but their relationships in Christ will never

end. That’s why the Scripture exhorts us to practice kind, tenderhearted, forgiving love with each other “just as” God in Christ also forgives and loves us in Christ (Ephesians 4:32 – 5:2). This is a very important point, as Matthew 6:14-15 and 18:21-35 further teach. It should not be overlooked. Our human marriages and families will end. Only the divine marriage between Christ and the Church (which believers comprise) and the divine family (which believers comprise) that God is currently creating and forming in Christ Jesus will last forever. The Bible describes this marriage and family in other ways as well (God’s household, the universal church/body, kingdom of priests, etc.). Matthew 6:14-15 and 18:21-35 teach very plainly that forgiving the way God forgives is a key marker of whether or not you’re in God’s marriage and family. Forgive, you’re in. Don’t forgive, you’re out. It’s very serious business. Your eternal life is dependent on it. But I’m often shocked how cavalierly God’s children treat this, as if it’s somehow an optional think. “Oh yeh, I forgive him/her. But I don’t ever want to be close her/him again [i.e., I intend to hold onto my bitterness].” Approaching marital and family law through Christian conciliation is pregnant with opportunities to help believers live free in the forgiving love and loving forgiveness with each other that God in Christ has for them every nanosecond of every day. This is why I am passionate about this alternative approach to resolving marital and family conflict. Since moving to Little Rock in May 1999, I have had the privilege of teaching, preaching, and training many pastors, counselors, elders, and ministry leaders in biblical conflict resolution. My practice of Christian conciliation is with a view to reconciliation first and continuing to help Christians become generous stewards and build lasting legacies. I provide this approach to “comprehensive life stewardship” through the BRS companies that I started with my business

partner, Rich Jensen (BRS Consulting, Inc.; BRS Financial, LLC; and BRS Multi Family Office Advisors, LLC). For more information, visit www.brsconsulting.com and www.brsmultifamilyoffice.com. I work hard to help believers reconcile, even in the worst of cases. If reconciliation is impossible, then I utilize conciliation to bring the dispute to a peaceful, less costly end. If one side to the conflict refuses to conciliate, then I can help you make the best decisions on how to select a family lawyer, what to ask, what to expect, how the litigation process works, etc.

One of the primary reasons the lacunae of knowledge and practice of Christian conciliation exists among Christians, their lawyers, churches, and counselors is lack of education and training. Church leaders and Christian counselors are busy people, like all of us. They may have long-standing relationships with family lawyers to whom they refer their members and clients. They don’t know how to go about helping the people they serve other than to send them to the lawyers they know. And when they do, more often than not they send them right into the maw of litigation, which at times can result in a metaphorical blood-letting.

If you or your church or counseling organization is interested in understanding or being trained in Christian conciliation, please let me know.

I believe that we can transform how Christians, their pastors, and their counselors resolve marital and family conflict throughout the United States in a way that magnifies God’s glory, exalts Jesus Christ and the gospel of his death, burial, and resurrection, and brings healing and redemption to his people and church.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21